"With Pain Comes Strength" Tattoo

When you know the pain is coming the response is completely different. For instance, going to the doctor as a child was always a 'pain in the butt' for me literally ((ha!)) because I had to receive allergy shots. I dreaded those shots, every week for what seems like most of my childhood, I had to get poked with a needle, which is why today, I have such a difficult time with Acupuncture. The pain response in the brain is immediate when you know it's coming, like switching on a light. When the pain is random, repetitive, and unexpected, it's a totally different story... Having tattoos is something I really enjoy, I think it's because of mostly how unique they are, or maybe how unique they make me feel. Sometimes I think people need to feel really different on the outside in order to walk around being comfortable in their own skin or maybe it's easier to share our dreams, memories, likes or dislikes my playing picture pages on our bodies, at least its easier than talking about it... I noticed this phrase while recovering from my last neck surgery and it really made an impression on me, WITH PAIN COMES STRENGTH and at first I just thought about my physical pain but then realized this statement was much more powerful for the emotional hurt I have endured over the years. So, I decided to get these words tattooed somewhere where I can see it all the time. What better place to get a tattoo as a reminder than on the inside of my arm? What I was picturing was four small words on the inside of my wrist and hoping that was a possibility. On the way, to that first appointment with the tattoo artist, all that was going through my head if I got this tattoo was, maybe I wont have to explain what I have been through in my life if I have the gist of it on my arm, but then again, if these words are on my arm, will people ask me more about what it means? Anyway, we arrived at the place and found out that it was ill advised to get any tattooed words unless they were much bigger and more spread out, the reason for that was the words would eventually blur together as the skin aged. So I pondered for a moment and thought, okay so when I'm old and start to forget things it may be a blessing for those words to blur and sag a little or I will instantly be reminded of all the pain! It was a brief flash into my distant future, but then decided to get the tattoo not only much bigger, but all the way across the inside of my forearm AND in all CAPS! Weeks have passed since I received the new tattoo and there have been many 'what have I done?' moments, but I am very glad I got it and have no regrets. Ironically, I didn't experience a lot of pain while getting it, nor have I with any of my tattoos. I suppose it was because I knew it was coming, or I have just experienced a much harsher physical pain in my neck that a little tattoo was equal to a pin prick. I so wish I knew how to discover the patterns of my pain and then maybe it wouldn't be as difficult to deal with. As it is, I never know when it's coming, or maybe if I did it wouldn't be as bad...the words "over before you know it" enter my mind. Why can't all pain be like an allergy shot, tattoo, or pin prick, quick poke and done.

My Journey

Writing is something you have to do often in order to get all the words right. I have attempted a few posts on my blog recently none of which were post worthy, so I deleted them. I needed to get used to the process again, it's been about three years since I seriously wrote. I'm not talking fiction either, non-fiction writing is more difficult because you have to dig deeper into your soul to capture the right words. That is what has been the most challenging for me because it comes out sounding too bitter, so much so, that a bitter taste is literally left in my mouth after reading the words. So, in the future, I will be attempting to write about my emotions without leaving the reader with a bad taste in their mouth. The blog is called "Powering through the Pain" and I started it three years ago. I wrote for a few months about my journey through this physical pain which has honed in on my neck. Three years ago I wrote about how I was overcoming this pain and how I was "powering" through it, but I never wrote about where I think it came from or what it really feels like to experience this kind of pain. Over the last few years I have spent time learning and growing through this pain but I never stopped to ask why this has happened, and if anything, what could I have done to prevent it from happening? My plan is to take people through my personal journey and the possible core reasons behind someone's pain. I plan to get raw with my words and real with my emotions. I will also be writing about the many things that help me face my days with strength versus weakness. I will get personal with my deepest thoughts and feelings hopefully giving the people who read this more understanding and compassion for us who have been emotionally, physically, or mentally broken and then pieced back together. The question that I have for myself which I hope to find the answer for is; "Where did my pain come from and how much of it was caused from emotional trauma versus physical trauma?" All who have experienced some form of pain or brokenness have these residual side effects from it. Usually you can see pain in someone's eyes if you look closely... Just remember, not everyone can stay hidden forever. Although, that is our first instinct, to power through it, which will definitely make us stronger right? Wrong. Pain is not something to push and shove and squeeze into the dark spaces of our minds in order for our body and soul to stay protected; all that does is create what is called a void or a black hole or a nasty negative energy; the longer it stays living on the dark side, the more disgusting it becomes, growing arms and legs and fists, that's when you feel it pounding down that locked door you threw it behind. Has your pain grown fists yet? Can people see it through your eyes trying to get out? Let me back up and be perfectly clear right now, this is what I know to be true, if you have chronic physical pain that is manifesting somewhere in your body then there is a good possibility that it came from something that you have been through emotionally but did not go through all of the proper healing channels. This is what I believe happened to me. It is the only thing that makes sense. My neck has been the nesting zone for my emotional trauma, and I have years and years of emotional trauma. I have been experiencing physical pain for ten years now, my body just started to break apart at 27 years old, and all this time I was trying to figure out what really caused it. People have always asked me what happened to cause the injuries to my young neck, and I NEVER have an answer or know what to say. I am still discovering new ways the brain effects the body, which is the main purpose for writing again. Through my writing I look to unveil the mystery of pain and hope to gain healing from sharing my journey.